A little moment

Today I decided to just type a bit of what I'm feeling rather then telling of the adventures of my boys. As a mother of small children, I worry about everything. I worry when they leave for school in the morning that they'll be safe and happy all day. It's the "normal" mom stuff I worry about.

Last night I was watching Reilly drift off to sleep, and I couldn't help but worry if I'd ever have a long conversation with him. Will he be able to tell me how he feels? Stories of his day and his adventures? Will he ever have a best friend? Will he have carefree summers with friends around the neighborhood? Will he have a job? Live on his own? Get married? Have children? And on and on went my thoughts. When I do this, I tend to just feel sad.

I think the very same things about Braedon. He's 5 now and we don't have any conversations. He's never told me a story about anything. He doesn't ever tell me how things make him feel. I pick up on these things from his actions, but never does he tell me. Will he ever?

I sometimes find myself watching other children that are around my sons age. I see them turn and tell a story to their dad as if it were nothing new. I see kids talking to each other and playing together like they do it everyday. I see parents asking their child a question and the child answering them.

My children don't ever do that.

Maybe this is a pity party for me. I'm so blessed and happy with my children it's ridiculous. But, as a mother it breaks my heart that I don't have that. I know my boys love me. I know they are happy. I know they are content. It's me that isn't. My mom tells me that one day I'll have that conversation with them and I hope I will. I don't know for sure, but I hope.

Today I just feel very sad and frustrated. My 5 year-old doesn't have conversations and my 3 year-old barely has 10 words. Autism is a very S L O W and L O N G road.

I have a friend that is pregnant with her first child. She's paranoid about everything, which everyone tells her is normal. She told me she doesn't think she could be a parent of a child with autism. What I want to tell her is you can be a mother. Mother's love with all their hearts. Mothers care at all times of the day and night. Mothers fight for their children. Mothers laugh at the craziest things. Mothers know how to fix bumps and bruises better then anyone. When you are a mom you are a mom of a child. It doesn't matter if they have autism. You take the good with the challenges.

That's what I tell myself during times like these. I'm the mom of a child of God. I've been blessed with the responsibility to teach my children and to love them. I've been given a blessing to raise two boys that are special spirits of our Father in Heaven. That's an awesome responsibility. So, it's time to pick myself up, dry my tears, and get back in the game.

Thanks for letting me vent it out.