Rambling...

I've decided this blog entry is going to be a chance for me to get out some thoughts and feelings and then pick myself up and move along...

Years and years ago I was diagnosed with severe arthritis. Rheumatoid, to be more accurate. I was 21. I've had my "battles" with the arthritis and learned there are limitations to what I can and cannot do. Once upon a time I was rather athletic. If it was a sport I could, generally, play it well. I wasn't great, but I felt I could hold my own. Arthritis took all of that from me. It's more years then I can count since I last swung a bat, played a game a basketball, or even hit a volleyball. It's not as pathetic as it sounds. I went through my grief and now I'm very content with it. This is NOT a pity party for me, I'm just giving some background.

Arthritis has made just about anything and everything just a little more difficult. You learn to adapt when you have a chronic disease that causes chronic pain all the time. I know when I need to rest and I know what my limits are. Luckily, I married the perfect man to help with all this. He is extremely understanding and helpful when I can't do something.

I have always wanted a large family. Once I started having children, I knew I wanted 3 or 4 little tikes running around. They are just fun!

In order for me to have children, I have to stop my arthritis medication for three months to clean it out of my system. I take the TOP of the line arthritis drugs. Nothing is better then what I take. After three months, I can get pregnant. 10% of women with my type of arthritis do not go into remission during pregnancy. I was one of those 10%. There is a hormone in pregnancy that, usually, will send arthritis into remission...Not me. I laugh about that. So, each time I was pregnant I had to be off my medication for over one year. During that time I could take a nasty little steroid to help with the pain. Unfortunately, for it to help I had to take a very large dose each day. The worst side affect of a steroid is weight gain. Nothing beats putting on 100 pounds during two pregnancies! I knew the risk and I knew the side affects. They were something I was fine with, because I wanted children. You can always loose weight.

I had two wonderful boys. One was a preemie, born at 33 weeks. One was born at 37 weeks and had a whole in his lung and pneumonia. Both had to stay in the NICU for a time. Both didn't get to come home when I did. That was really hard on me. I was jealous of the mom's that had their babies in their hospital room with them and that took them home with them. On the upside, the NICU did put them on a nice feeding and sleeping schedule for me. :-)

Both of my precious boys have high functioning autism. They both have delays in just about every are you can think of. Braedon is now 5 and Reilly is 3. They both are about 2 years behind their age in all areas except gross and fine motor skills. They are exhausting! Try babysitting them for a night and you will understand. They are also the greatest joy ever!

Dean and I decided we wanted a third child. I tried to go off my medicine again, but this time the arthritis won. By the end of the first month I was just about left bed bound. I could lift my arms above my head, turn a door knob, walk without a noticeable limp, turn my head, sleep, blah blah blah. Let's just say I was in some serious pain. I'd have to be this way or worse for over a year. How could I take care of the two children I had during that time? I couldn't.

We decided that I wasn't able to carry a third child, which was hard for me emotionally. I'm not the type of person to cry about things for long, so I picked myself up and moved along. We thought adoption would be a good path, and it was going along just fine.

Then I had a six month summary with Reilly's teacher. I also had a meeting with Braedon's teacher about his ADHD and OCD and how it is starting to get worse. Last year we had to put him on some medication to help control it, and it looks like we are going to do that again this year. He only needed for a few months and was able to stop it, but it looks like we are going back on it. I don't know why I didn't realize this before...Sometimes it takes me awhile to catch up, I guess.

My boys are never going to catch up with children their own age. They are always going to be behind and struggle. Academically. Socially. Emotionally. In every aspect they will struggle. They will need Dean and I to help them with everything. We had a long conversation a few nights ago and decided that our two boys are what we are going to stick with.

This was not an easy decision, but we feel it is the one that will best support our family. Now, I am working through that decision. Like I said before, I'm not the type to lay down and cry. It's time to pick yourself up and get back in the game.

Hopefully, this isn't too much information to share. I think it is mainly for me.